Havin' a Glitch Time...

I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year and so I've been writing in all the places I shouldn't have been. I am well on top of my word count though, as this screenshot attests to:

I think this document is trying to become a TARDIS.

They Know Who I Am

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Inner-Minim: You scream like a boy.

This one's going to take time to get used to. It's catching my attention more than the orange blinky light telling me that my battery is definitely beyond hope now if it wasn't before (although it probably was)

*Click*

Yes, Chrome, that's exactly right, I am a dark blue figure with no neck, no limbs, and am encased in a bubble. I think that last one's true enough, actually. But still, imagine if I were!

I love you, Google. Really, I do. And I'm not just saying this because of your email, your blogging platform, your browser, your maps on my phone, and your search engine, all of which I get a useful use out of. I have to love you, or you'd reveal the things I've been Googling in you. ;) (I guess the most embarrassing thing would be people finding out that my body is reminding me that it's female - oh shit, I've just leaked it. And for those of you shrieking "TMI!" or "Ew!" through your monitor screens, you really need to consider that this approach is unlikely to work. You need to shriek through your microphone, like you're recording over the loudest sounds ever. And then save it and promptly forget about it until one day you're looking through your massive system of folders and then you listen over it again in several months and are just left thinking "WTF?!")

(Also, name it "the-cake-is-a-lie<file system code bit like .png for images or .docx for Word Documents even though I barely ever use those anyway).

(I don't even know what I'm talking about any more)

Yes Google, I do love you, but I do feel that it's a little bit odd that you are determined to make sure I know my name no matter where I browse. I mean, I know my name. This isn't really an essential feature.

All I'm saying is, a more useful feature would be "How to become a pirate ninja."

Getting Lost

One of the most important items I carry around with me is my phone.

See, before all the university stuff happened, I was pretty happy with my phone. By then, it was just an old pink lump of metal that worked as an alarm clock, and worked at texting mostly, but that's all I needed. I didn't care that everyone else was playing flappy birds or quizzes or what-have-you, because I was enjoying my life by then and didn't feel the need.

Now, though, I'm glad to have a smartphone. A shiny black one. So sorry old phone, but you're fired.

Old Phone: You fired me?!
Minim: Yes.
Old Phone: But whyyyyyy??? *sadface*
Minim: You don't have a face for it to be sad.
Minim: And this new smartphone does more and is a harder worker.
Old Phone: How long did it take you to choose that pillock? I bet it was absolutely ages...
Minim: Less than it took the guys in the Apprentice to choose cheese.
Minim: I just went for what the guy in the shop recommended.
Old Phone: Oh yeah?!
Minim: Yeah.
Old Phone: And what does that old lump of black metal do that I can't?
Minim: Nags me when I've got email.
Old Phone: You have a computer.
Minim: Has a browser.
Old Phone: You have a computer.
Minim: Has Google Maps.
Old Phone: You have a computer.
Minim: I can move the map with the touchscreen and can use it when my frankly awful sense of direction completely fails me.
Old Phone: You're no good with maps anyway.
Minim: Shows me where I am, too, so I can work out which way to go by moving about.
Old Phone: *speechless*

It is so easy to get lost in a new town (did it on the way to the shops twice, even having gone there twice from my halls of residence not getting the route to sink in!) My phone is often the hero in such situations because of its maps. Yes, I know that computer maps are definitely not perfect, but they are pretty functional for use and I know where to aim myself to get back into known territory. I've had more problems with looking where to go prior to going, and that has happened twice - each time due to my misinterpretations.

I've got a good handle on where I need to be, anyway, and most of the shops I may use. (still have no handle on certain places I need like the post office but apart from that...) I like it.

Letters to Technology

Dear Java,

If you want to update all of the time, then why not have an update service that actually works, rather than just a bit of a nuisance every time someone logs in? Seriously, it doesn't give anyone a good impression of you.

-Minim

Dear laptop,

Okay, I'll acquire for you a new battery. Just please stop that light flashing at me.

-Minim

Dear Sheep,

You're an old game, but I still love you. And I still get frustrated at you because sheep are mindless creatures and they get themselves killed easily, but it's all relative.

-Minim

Dear Smartphones,

My little device that's definitely not a smartphone is a lot more durable than you. You might want to think about that a minute.

-Minim

Dear Internet,

Thank you for existing! You really help enhance my life.

-Minim

And a little extra:

Writing A Post

When somebody in a TV show or something uploads something on the interweb, it easily turns into instant success.

Yeah, like that will ever happen.

But then:

Oh, if only it did.

A Thing I Hate: Windows 8

Windows 8 - 3 out of 10

Okay, maybe harsh, but still.

Windows 8 is mostly aimed at tablets and phones and stuff with a touch screen. Which is fine. They put it onto desktop computers and laptops. Not so good.

I don't really care how well it goes with the smart-tablet-electronics-stuff because I rarely ever use that stuff in the first place. According to classmates, my phone is ancient. I don't mind because its main function is to tell me the time where no clocks are found, and to send and receive texts. Maybe with the odd spam call or whatever. But a smartphone or tablet is worlds apart from a desktop computer. And having an operating system for a computer that's designed around the tablet market is like manufacturing dangerous spoon/fork crossbreeds as shown here. You end up with carnage and frustration.

Any operating system you have to google about to discover how to log off of the computer is probably not that user friendly. And they got rid of the start menu so you have to go to a different screen just to open a program. An update made my computer show the Blue Screen of Death every 5 minutes.

Let's just say that Windows 8 is really not the sort of thing you want if you want to like your computer. But you can access Task Manager by right-clicking that bar below your browser window. Just never end the task "Windows Explorer."

Just don't.

The charms menu is on the right hand side. You access it by swiping into either of the two right-hand corners. And then you have to move your mouse again to see the names of each function. Search for if you want to use anything on the computer. Share, because you really need to be able to do that so easily. Start, for all of the promoted apps. Yes, I do mean apps, remember this system is designed for smartphones. Devices, which doesn't look all that useful and doesn't fit in with all the other 's' names. Settings, for if you want to shut down or redesign a little.

And now, after a series of random different points, I shall say this: They say Vista wasn't good, but the ordinary user could navigate it. With 8, you're following a star, hoping against hope it's the right one.

Links and More Links

Because two of my regular sites have gone all weird and are now 'The domain name has just been registered' with a load of shitty links. So, here is my thinking.

Watch Now (Netflix) - What am I supposed to be watching? Why do I want to watch it? Okay, I know what you do and all that. But I don't want to have your services particularly.

Tesco(TM) Value Kitchens - No thanks. I don't want a kitchen.

Gastric Band from £4,695 - Err.... that's a lot of money for something I don't give a shit about.

Ex Display Kitchens - No.

Static Caravans For Sale - Awww, can't I have a dynamic one?

Win Holiday in Cornwall - Because I have a particular need or want to go to Cornwall. (Sorry Cornish people, I'm just not that interested in your area all that much)

Sky TV - Official Site - What about it?

Italian Designer Kitchens - NO.

Man of Steel - in 3D - Why would anyone care?

How to Fix Slow Computer - Delete junk including temporary files and broken links and stuff. Don't let your desktop stay in Aero.

The Open University(TM) 2013 - The most interesting stuff so far. Thanks, but no thanks.

Properties in Switzerland - No thanks.

Esprit Ski Holiday deals - No thanks.

Skival - Catered Chalets - No thanks.

La Tania Ski Chalets - No thanks.

Over 50s Dating Website - Because you need online dating when you're over 50. I'm just over 200 in months, so do I count?

MTB Chalet Morzine - No thanks.

Audible Audio Books - I have Harry Potter CDs, I don't really need much more than that.

Loire Valley Gites France - Are you sure you've not just done a correcthorsebatterystaple type thing?

Riders Refuge - Morzine - It's a refuge for riders. I am not a rider. Hahaha.

Fun fun fun.

Terms and Cakeditions

Not many people are diligent about reading things such as Terms and Conditions, Acceptable Use policies, etcetera etcetera. I have myself just ticked the box saying "I have read and agree to the Terms and Conditions." Tick.

It's pretty basic stuff anyway. Don't use this for copyright infringement/commercial purposes/making banana fudge soufflé. Age limits.

"If you are under 13 please refrain from using this site." Yes, because 12 year olds are really going to read the Terms of Use of a site. How many 12 year olds (and younger!) will bump up their age to access things on the net?

That's one of my sisters. I'm calling her Semibreve.

Terms and Conditions are everywhere. If they don't already (and that is very likely given how many cakes are wrecked), they'll soon have them for buying cake. I think that would be fun. I think this paragraph was just to justify the title. Cake.

I don't know how to end here. It is likely important to read all of those T&Cs, in case it means that the company are permitted to rob your home and sell all your contents on eBay if you sign on that dotted line.

Please Sign Here:..........................................................................................................

(In signing this we at this blog are super-entitled to make fun out of you, invade your privacy settings and general privacy, include you in superlatively crazy drabbles and sneak on you to your teachers if you put one single atom(ic bomb) out of line. You are warned that you may want to emigrate to somewhere outside the UK so we cannot hound you nearly as much. Terms and Cakeditions apply.)